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Comments Thank you for the great critique!
 Oh, I agree in that line: "The distance is in her hands pressed/Tight and steady in candid prayer". That whole sentence sounded a bit grammatically awkward to me (more than usual for poetry, I mean), but I didn't want to add punctuation between "hands" and "pressed" and no matter how much I thought I couldn't come up with a better way to put it. (Also, I don't think I ever noticed how short eight syllables really was!) I'm glad you like the repetition! I wanted to have internal rhyme, which is why I used "wild curls", but no credit to me for any smart balancing equilibrium, I didn't think about how it went with "wide" at all. I think I just wanted to have some difference between the curls and the voice, to bring more attention to the mild voice... I love your interpretation of the piece! It's exactly what I meant, the quiet cowardice of the you and the stubbornness of the her who is trying to convince both herself and the you... except you made it sound like a darker, worse thing than I thought somehow...   I totally agree with all that ^^ I especially liked all the *rejet*; not only for the rhyme but it adds meaning because some lines give an idea on their own but then take another meaning when read with the next one, like:
Blood nails and lips that cannot hide On her skin, nor on yours – protest Dies in your throat and you shiver. It's almost as if she's saying "lips that cannot [...] hide protest" but then we see that it links with the next line... Also, good job with punctuation! ^^ It is too often forgotten... (*pet peeve* =- |
Sta.sh
What I like best is that the fixed form constraint almost doesn't show at all, except for the *rejet* for the sake of the rhyme "The distance is in her hands pressed/Tight and steady in candid prayer". I think this makes the sentence structure sound more French than English...
I love the delicate balance between repetition and variation!
The progression in meaning is also well paved, cumulating with "Now that she is your truth", which makes more sense when we take into account the previous stanzas. I like how you made the other character only half present and almost passive : it can have the very optimistic reading you mentioned, silent adoration, but also a darker interpretation. If she is easier, then could it be cowardice that keeps the protagonist from uttering a word? She speaks a lot, and insisting on a same declaration "the truth is easier" seems to try to convince her lover and herself as well. If she speaks enough or louder than their protests, will it become true?
Truly poetic in that sense